Troubling News From the Shit-Stirring Department
What if we’re not as divided as we’re being told we are?
As the election approaches and the words “division,” “friction” and “fractured” become ever more commonly used to describe the state of our union, we want to take a moment to thank everyone here at the Shit-Stirring Department for all your hard work.
Thanks to your continued efforts and relentless negativity, any disagreements Americans have on issues large and small have been magnified into nearly insoluble problems. Together we have done an admirable job of convincing everyone that our differences are so vast as to be unbridgeable, and therefore any attempt to find consensus is futile and foolish. Most importantly, due to your hard work and dedication, consumption of media is at an all-time high, with hope itself at a long-time low. As we like to say here at the Department, “United We Stand; Divided We Profit.” People are terrified, angry, isolating themselves, doomscrolling, becoming paranoid and making everyone they know paranoid by sharing the videos, clips, headlines and polls that we here at the Shit-Stirring Department tirelessly emphasize.
But now for some troubling news.
It appears that despite our best efforts, some national polls suggest that Americans are in agreement about many issues. The numbers are alarming:
91% of Americans agree that we all have the right to equal protection under the law.
90% of Americans agree that we all have the right to freedom of speech.
84% of Americans agree with freedom of religion for all.
“So what?” you respond, much as we did when these numbers were brought to our attention. Who’s going to say they’re against freedom of speech, after all? But the numbers concerning politics are even more troubling: 60% of Americans agree that both Biden and Trump are too goddamned old to be president. 80% of Americans agree that elected officials don’t give a shit what people like them think. 70% of Americans agree that we pathetic ordinary people—i.e., not rich or famous—have too little influence over the decisions scumbag members of Congress make. The same depressing poll reveals that 63% of Americans agree that most or all politicians are whores—that they ran for office just to make money—and a whopping 85% of Americans agree that whatever made them run for office, it sure as shit wasn’t to serve the public.
Okay, sure, you say, everyone hates politicians. That’s hardly reason to worry that some sort of larger national consensus will emerge. What about the issues? What about good old abortion, huh? Nothing divides a nation so reliably as vaginas and embryos, right?
Wrong.
In a Pew Research poll from May 13, 2024, two-thirds of Americans say abortion should be legal in all or most cases. That would be bad enough, but even more agree that life doesn’t begin at conception, and that moreover embryos should not be considered people with rights.
It’s not easy reading, we know. Meanwhile, in a recent Gallup poll, 71% of Americans say they don’t give a shit who you marry, i.e., they support same-sex marriage. If we as a nation agree on gay marriage, what’s next? Guns?
Yes.
A recent public opinion survey from Johns Hopkins Center for Gun Violence Solutions “found broad agreement among Americans for gun violence prevention policies—regardless of their political affiliation or whether or not they own guns.”
There’s no way to sugar coat this, folks. 64% of Americans agree that the gun thing is fucked up and we need stricter gun control laws. In a recent Fox News poll of all places, 87% of Americans agree on the need for background checks, 81% of Americans agree on the need to enforce existing gun laws, and 80% of Americans agree on the need to require mental health checks for people purchasing guns.
When the nation begins to agree on guns, something has gone terribly wrong.
Are we not stirring enough shit? Do we need to stir shit in new, innovative ways? We have to ask ourselves the hard questions. Is there some terror we could be causing that we’re not? Or are people just beginning to doubt us, the Shit-Stirrers?
According to recent Pew polls, yes, they are.
Two-thirds of U.S. adults say they’ve seen their own news sources report facts meant to favor one side. They’re calling bullshit on their own team. 78% of Americans agree that social media companies have too much power and influence in politics. 64% of Americans think social media has a mostly negative effect on the way things are going in the country today, so much so that 81% of American adults agree on the need for parental consent for minors to go anywhere near the deadly virus known as social motherfucking media.
Rest assured we have teams hard at work to discredit, bury or spin the polls mentioned here in as negative a light as possible. We will not take this agreement lying down. Fortunately, the pessimism we have worked so hard to create is on our side; many people, perhaps even some of you reading this, have been so trained to believe we don’t agree about anything that any suggestion we do will be met with immediate and furious skepticism. For so long have we dutifully shouted “Fire!” on this crowded planet that anyone shouting otherwise is deemed insane, or worse, a “foolish optimist,” the most devastating charge in all modernity. In the meantime, though, please continue using the word “divide” as often and in as many forms as possible, i.e., “divided nation,” “growing divide,” “unbridgeable divide,” etc. “Polarized” is a good one, and “dark times” is always good for a few clicks, too.
In this difficult time of creeping consensus and common sense, we urge you to not give up on giving up. Together, we can drive this nation apart, perhaps even to a civil war, which will get us the clicks and reposts we are paid for.
Because we care about the nation?
Because we care about the future?
Because we care about humanity?
No.
Because we don’t.
Shalom Auslander is a novelist, short story writer, essayist and scriptwriter. He writes The Fetal Position on Substack, and his new memoir, FEH, will be available in July.
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I'll add one for you: more than half of Supreme Court cases in the last 5 years were decided by 8-1 or greater majorities. You wouldn't know this from the press, though.
Saying, "we mostly agree and we'll muddle through" is a boring headline compared to "We're more divided than ever and the other side is evil." Gotta sell those clicks.
I like this piece a lot. We should remember something, I think - we kind of forgot about foreign agents being a big part of the shit-stirring department. We know the Russians honed in on existing divisions during the 2016 election, and had some kind of impact. They hone in on existing divisions and blow them up. Of course, the entire media does this, but does anyone think these foreign actors have stopped doing this? Why wouldn't the Russians keep doing it, along with the North Koreans, the Chinese, and the Iranians? They learned a valuable lesson in 2016. They're still doing it. It's a part of the problem.