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Adrienne Scott's avatar

Not being able to see and manage the vast difference between flirting and assault symbolizes the lack of nuance in our dialogue, and is, to use the current jargon, "harming" all of us. I feel sorry for all the young women and men who are afraid to engage in this playful, HUMAN behavior. Yet, we've come to a point where we are told ALL males are dangerous, ALL females are victims, ALL whites are evil...etc., etc., etc. This juvenile thinking is one of the reasons our society is failing.

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JustAGeek's avatar

I agree with the point of the article--what went wrong--but there's a distinct lack of concrete solutions. I understood the problem back in the 1990s, as I was a teen girl in a region where the moral panic hit early, not least because we had actually serious and pervasive violence problems. I was lucky to have been a tomboy, because having primarily male friends both demystified guys and helped me see how trapped they were by the idea that any advance could be seen as threatening (or worse).

I adapted by directing my attention toward older men when possible, and by becoming a clear-communicating instigator in any case. I gave up on passively waiting, and said all the things that girls aren't supposed to say. I also went out of my way to create a sense of safety for the guys I talked to: letting them get to know me in a group setting, making it clear that I didn't consider it their job to read my mind. I established that in every social setting, I mean what I say...I won't ever say X is okay, then blame you for X. I assume positive intent and accept that humans make mistakes (sometimes awkward ones).

I remember sitting up one long night with a dear friend of the drop-dead-gorgeous variety. She was sad, because she never got the kinds of guys I got...and to be clear, I was not gorgeous. I was an overweight tomboy nerd who had no idea how to dress and hated make-up. If you squinted really hard and turned your head, I might be called "cute", but never "beautiful". What I had going for me was that I was smart, adventurous, and assertive. I went out of my way to reduce a man's risk in getting to know me. I didn't need to be beautiful, I had more choice in a mate than I could possibly need.

Women, unlike men, can "opt out" of the system in our current society.

Now, I just wish I knew what to tell my son. :(

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