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A F's avatar

I believe that wide variation in the expression of cultural gender, including culture "genders" other than just "masculine" and "feminine", are a normal part of human diversity, just as being gay or lesbian is. I don't care what bathroom you use. But I also believe in the reality and consequentiality of biological sex, I don't believe that "Transwomen are Women," and I think that "Affirmative Care" for minors is not well founded in science and research.

So I have gone from Certified Ally* to dirty TERF, though not an opinion of mine has changed.

I've accepted that I am probably not going to change my views to suit the New Doctrines, because they are in conflict with my connection to reality.

So here is how I cope with my TERFery:

a) I generally don't engage with the issue in my personal life unless it comes up naturally in conversation with someone who I know really well. I'm a Nice White Suburban Mom, and there is wide omertà around the transgender issue because it creates an intolerable ideological death match between the two things that Nice White Suburban Moms hold most dear - 1) our self image as Kind, Tolerant, and Enlightened-by-NPR members of the Anti-Trump Resistance and 2) our concern for the wellbeing of our daughters and their fair access to things like sports and locker rooms. This is irreconcilable and therefore unspeakable. When it comes up in conversation everyone's face goes white and someone will end the conversation by saying "It's just too....HARD." So no point in bringing it up, but if I'm asked, I will be gently honest.

b) I raise my daughters to be kind, but gender critical. I teach them that their bodies are what make them girls, and that they can be any kind of girl they want to be. I also teach them that you can respect a person and enthusiastically support their civil rights to live as they choose while not agreeing with their opinions or worldview, and that being able to do so is one of the most basic skills required of citizens in a liberal democracy. Respectful disagreement with someone's worldview is not being "unkind" or "intolerant".

c) We're taking the Benedict Option for adolescence. My daughters don't go on the internet or social media unless it is for school. They can get smartphones when they get a job to pay for them themselves. And while I adore my kids' public grade school, we are doing Catholic school for grades 5 and up to avoid any uncomfortable locker room situations, minimize unhealthy social groups, and so we can have confidence that the anthropology of the person that they are being taught is one that we (mostly) believe in.

So basically my strategy for dealing with my newfound TERFdom is a mix of prudence, avoidance, being a parent, and just being OK with having untrendy views. I avoid unnecessary confrontation.

*I used to work at a university, yes there is such a thing as certification for allies.

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Jeff Dewey's avatar

Examples of TERF opinions: 1) opposing allowing confused teens or children as young as 5 years old to be mutilated by surgery or irreversible hormone therapy because they or their parents “feel” they are actually the “wrong gender.” 2) opposing allowing convicted male sex offenders to define themselves as women so as to assigned to female prisons. 3) opposing school athletic associations to allow men calling themselves as women To compete in women’s sports, thus garnering championships and scholarships which otherwise would have gone to women. In short, a terf is a feminist in the original sense and not at all radical. As Dave Barry would say, “I am not making this up.”

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