"Here’s the bad news: There are women out there who find it so burdensome to say no to a man who doesn’t interest them that they consider any overture, no matter the context, content, or intent, to be a form of sexual harassment.
The good news is, these women are silly and very much in the minority."
This made me laugh out loud. I honestly almost always felt flattered by male attention when I was younger. I generally didn't find it threatening and never had a problem politely saying "no."
Honestly, I think it goes all the way back to the playground. When I was growing up in the feral 80s at the tail end of Generation X, the playground and the neighborhood streets was a jungle. We were given a lot of space to regulate each other, which we did - sometimes with fists and sticks.
If a girl gave a boy a good shove for being annoying - and it was more openly acknowledged back then that boys could be really annoying - adults generally shrugged it off, or even told us it was good to stick up for ourselves.
(And I know its really, really taboo now to say "boys will be boys". But when I think back to my own childhood, that phrase was actually used more often to VALIDATE my experiences and my right to stick up for myself as a girl. It was not "boys will be boys, and as a girl you therefore you must tolerate them"; it was rather "boys will be boys, and as a girl you therefore have a right to tell them to shove off by any means necessary." Your personal mileage may vary.)
Now I look at my daughters' experience in school and it is all "Be Kind-ness" and "Inclusivity". Kids' play relationships are a lot more micromanaged by the adults.
The result of this hyper-kindness - I think - is that girls don't get the skills and confidence they need to firmly say "no." Instead they are subtly taught that you must always be "inclusive" and "kind" even at risk to yourself. Girls are taught that safety comes from outside, from parents and administrators and official regulations, rather than from their own self-efficacy. And too much self-efficacy risks being "unkind" or not sufficiently "inclusive".
There is nothing wrong with teaching kids to be kind, but it just seems like there is something really off and contradictory in our culture when it comes to women and girls right now. It's hard to put my finger on. It concerns me as a "Girl Mom."
On the waitress (or waiter) question, there is also the idea that context is important. Is this the first time you are in a restaurant/bar, or are you just passing through town? Then an approach is very likely inappropriate. Have you built a little bit of a commercial relationship by eating/drinking in the same spot or a while? Then there is a better basis for considering whether an overture for a personal relationship is a good idea.
Really enjoyed the Q+A format of this! I also like how you offered a concrete example of how to be non-creepy since “creepy” is in the eye of the beholder. It’s definitely true that some guys are simply socially awkward and are trying their best.
The thing that really bums me out is how we, as a society, continue to push for safety over freedom. True, less people will get hurt. But also, will you feel a true connection to the 100th person who leaves a phone number napkin with a bunch of legalese and caveats scribbled on the back?
I understand these new unwritten rules exist because of the outliers. And I understand the desire for safety (both physical and psychological). But I do feel like a little more color drains from this world with every additional rule we write.
As a library director I have very much had to coach staff on how it is OK to reject unwanted attention, but also how to recognize if it is someone hitting on them or someone who is just equally awkward (he's not hitting on you, he asked me about my wedding ring too and, while he may be bisexual, it's much more likely he's not good at social situations.)
When I was a younger man I also had many conversations with friends about how you should discount any "vibes" coming from someone who is paid to be nice to you.
As an ugly man, I also understand that there must be a burden of beauty, but the objective benefits seem to outweigh the negatives.
"Here’s the bad news: There are women out there who find it so burdensome to say no to a man who doesn’t interest them that they consider any overture, no matter the context, content, or intent, to be a form of sexual harassment.
The good news is, these women are silly and very much in the minority."
This made me laugh out loud. I honestly almost always felt flattered by male attention when I was younger. I generally didn't find it threatening and never had a problem politely saying "no."
Honestly, I think it goes all the way back to the playground. When I was growing up in the feral 80s at the tail end of Generation X, the playground and the neighborhood streets was a jungle. We were given a lot of space to regulate each other, which we did - sometimes with fists and sticks.
If a girl gave a boy a good shove for being annoying - and it was more openly acknowledged back then that boys could be really annoying - adults generally shrugged it off, or even told us it was good to stick up for ourselves.
(And I know its really, really taboo now to say "boys will be boys". But when I think back to my own childhood, that phrase was actually used more often to VALIDATE my experiences and my right to stick up for myself as a girl. It was not "boys will be boys, and as a girl you therefore you must tolerate them"; it was rather "boys will be boys, and as a girl you therefore have a right to tell them to shove off by any means necessary." Your personal mileage may vary.)
Now I look at my daughters' experience in school and it is all "Be Kind-ness" and "Inclusivity". Kids' play relationships are a lot more micromanaged by the adults.
The result of this hyper-kindness - I think - is that girls don't get the skills and confidence they need to firmly say "no." Instead they are subtly taught that you must always be "inclusive" and "kind" even at risk to yourself. Girls are taught that safety comes from outside, from parents and administrators and official regulations, rather than from their own self-efficacy. And too much self-efficacy risks being "unkind" or not sufficiently "inclusive".
There is nothing wrong with teaching kids to be kind, but it just seems like there is something really off and contradictory in our culture when it comes to women and girls right now. It's hard to put my finger on. It concerns me as a "Girl Mom."
On the waitress (or waiter) question, there is also the idea that context is important. Is this the first time you are in a restaurant/bar, or are you just passing through town? Then an approach is very likely inappropriate. Have you built a little bit of a commercial relationship by eating/drinking in the same spot or a while? Then there is a better basis for considering whether an overture for a personal relationship is a good idea.
Really enjoyed the Q+A format of this! I also like how you offered a concrete example of how to be non-creepy since “creepy” is in the eye of the beholder. It’s definitely true that some guys are simply socially awkward and are trying their best.
The thing that really bums me out is how we, as a society, continue to push for safety over freedom. True, less people will get hurt. But also, will you feel a true connection to the 100th person who leaves a phone number napkin with a bunch of legalese and caveats scribbled on the back?
I understand these new unwritten rules exist because of the outliers. And I understand the desire for safety (both physical and psychological). But I do feel like a little more color drains from this world with every additional rule we write.
slip her a card and wait for her to call and you'll get rejected 999/1000 times lol
As a library director I have very much had to coach staff on how it is OK to reject unwanted attention, but also how to recognize if it is someone hitting on them or someone who is just equally awkward (he's not hitting on you, he asked me about my wedding ring too and, while he may be bisexual, it's much more likely he's not good at social situations.)
When I was a younger man I also had many conversations with friends about how you should discount any "vibes" coming from someone who is paid to be nice to you.
As an ugly man, I also understand that there must be a burden of beauty, but the objective benefits seem to outweigh the negatives.